I had the laziest Saturday morning and early afternoon.
I drank a yummy cinnamony large chai.
I read Vanity Fair and Vogue and Frankie from cover to cover, curled up in a comfy but somewhat dubious-looking armchair at Borders' GJ leisurely.
I reread Pride and Prejudice on that armchair.
I watched the fist-sized hailstones outisde the window and was kinda scared by it.
I watched this little girl drinking hot cocoa and reading her picture book quietly with her mouth smeared with choc frosting from her brownie. She was tres cute.
And I walked home in the rain, soaked like a wet rat and slightly shivery but refreshed nonetheless.

And I hope everything goes well tomorrow!

And on a side note, Rihanna doesn't quite do it for me anymore. Maybe it's the weird blonde side-swept hair. Myeh.

of milestones and pearl necklaces

Years of Enid Blyton and Anne of Green Gables and Little Women and Eight Cousin and all those yummy classics have made me a tad more sentimental.
Certain things were given to me at certain milestones in life and they meant the world to me.

When I was 17 going on 18 and about to venture overseas for the first time in my life, mum got me my first ever branded bag from Guess. It was a versatile black leather one. To me, it was like marking the beginning of my passage to adulthood and how I have to learn to be independant and take care of myself. Til this very day, it's my favourite bag and it will always be.

And on that very year too, I got my very first cheongsam from my parents and I was supposed to wear it for my Trinity valecdictory but stupid me gave in to peer pressure and wore a boring black suit instead. lols. To me, it just reminded me that no matter how far I go and how much I learn, I am first and foremost, a Chinese and a Chinese daughter to Chinese parents, no less. 'Nuff said.

And when I got into 1st year Med, I got myself a tattoo on my ankle. A nautical star in blue. A new direction in life. The first step into something that I could never back up of. And my parents gave me their blessings. In fact, mum went with me to get the ink done.

And when I turn 21, my parents gave me the traditional key pendant on a necklace that is my favourite jewellery to date. And the thing that meant the most to me was how my usually-frugal dad chose the necklace with my mum and gladly forked out the money for such an extravagant small little necklace. When I have a daughter of my own, I'm thinking of giving the very necklace to her. It'll be a heirloom of sorts. And I can save on a diamond necklace. lols.

And I got my early birthday present from mum. Finally, a matchy matchy wallet with her. After all that I've gone through, she has done it all with me without any complaints and has supported me every single time. So the wallet is like this invisible bond that I have with her.

And when I graduate, my parents will get me my first pen. It'll be the pen that I will start my internship with. The pen that I will sign my name as a doctor and write my first prescription and scrawl unintelligible doctor's notes. And that pen will be in my right shirt pocket til the very end. And they will get me a pearl necklace. I've adamantly refused to let mum get me one or get myself one, because I want it on my graduation day. I always did associate pearl necklaces with being grown-up and having all sorts of ladylike qualities eg graciousness, gentility, humility, charity etc. Must be all that classics that I've read. All my favourite heroines in those books had a pearl necklace given to them after conquering their flaws, facing trials and tribulations and became wonderful, honest women of the world. The pearl necklace will simply remind me of all the expectations of my family and mine too.

I think I've led a vey comfortable life so far, want of nothing. That's why I have all these little things given to me, to remind me of those important events. But at the end of the day, my parents can give me the cheapest plastic pearl necklace from those funfairs and I wouldn't care, because to me, cliched as it might sound, it's the thoughts and memories invoked that counts.

Just the other day, I saw this man walking his mastiff mix and when he reached tha stretch of Grattan with the 4-feet-high ledge, his dog jumped up onto the ledge and started walking it like a tightrope, without stumbling or hesitating.
It was like a circus performance.
The dog was even more freakin' agile than me.
If I squinted a little, I could totally see the colourful conical hat on the dog's head and hear the circus drumroll in the distance.
And that sight made me smile the entire way home and way into the night.

of circumstances and sophisticashun

So circumstances dictate that I forgo the medical conference and stay safe and sound in my cosy little apartment in Melbourne.
Well, I not won't need to push the panic button on my theses just yet, I also get to revel in all the festivities that is Melbourne in March eg birthday parties and hanging out with the peeps.

and mum and I have now got matchy matchy wallets now. woohoo.
totally makes me happy whenever I make a purchase.
it actually makes me wanna buy something, anything just to whip out my wallet.
mum knows best.

and I just found out today that there's a bloody Wiki entry on Manglish and another on Malaysian English vocab.

among the delightful homegrown phrase are:
chao/chow - goodbye/see you
kautim - to finish a task. From Cantonese term 搞掂
zibai - pussy (F**k) [ Hokkien ]
Wat la yu? (What lah you?) spoken in a rising disappointing tone means How could you? or How stupid can you get?
barsket - derived from 'bastard', general derogatory term. May also be derived from 'basket case'.
bladibarsket - derived from 'bloody bastard', profane derogatory term.
dablardigarmen - ie 'the bloody government', a catchall phrase for the malevolent powers that be.
mempersiasuikan - disgraceful, derived from hokkien "siasui" + malay.(e.g. "Sungguh mempersiasuikan" or "Very mempersiasuikan" which means very disgraceful/humiliating/embarrassing)
Cun - Describe a pretty woman (e.g. Wow that girl is so cun)
Pon - to skip school/play truant/apon (from Malay "ponteng", meaning the same)

Makes me wanna jump up and start sprouting, "Walau ey, Malaysians damn cun, even got our own language page on Wiki la. Veli sophisticashun wan."
*credits to nosy*

These two nights, I've been hanging out with the girls.
and they were awesome nights.
it goes to show that every girl needs a girls night out every once in a while.

the sweetest little message came through Facebook today.
bibimbap's voice over the phone, with the comforting background noise of mum and dad's voices today.
the nicest MSN chat today.

Mika's on replay now.
totally perks up my day when I wriggle around to it in the apartment while making breakky.

of skies

I always did notice the skies in Melbourne are really blue.
But today the skies seemed exceptionally blue when I was walking back.
And there were little puffy scrunchy petal-ly clouds.
And I saw this little helicopter in the distance.
And all at once, I wished I was right on that very helicopter, because how awesome would the city view be in this cloudness spring sky.

Even Malaysian skies are blue too. Just a different sort of blue.
A more yellowy, warm, smoggy kinda blue.
Whereas Melbourne's blue is more cool, sophisticated, clean.

And that makes me think of Indian skies.
They weren't really blue at all.
It was more of a dusty blueish grey colour. More of a smogish (that's my invented term for smog+fog+rubbish) blue.

And I kinda think how the skies reflect the people living in that city, or is it the other way around?
Melbournians seemed always too cool for the sunlight, especially those white-collar individuals walking around briskly on Collins St in their swishy overcoats. And how a portion of them are really artistes in disguise, like those puffy little clouds.
Malaysians seemed abit louder in dressing, manner etc. Put good food on a table, gather family around, and let the merrymaking commence. Sure, we might not be as sophisticated as our Western counterparts, we might be a bit crude/coarse/undereducated. But whatever we do, we do it loud and proud and as best as we can. It's what we call Asian pride and family honour. lols.
Indians seemed abit world weary to me. They've seen everything that life has thrown at them, thus they have to make the best that life has to offer, at sometimes a great cost. But then after a rainfall, you get this little peek of cornflower blue before the smogish covers it up again.



And when I was looking up today, your face floated into my mind, Sandra.
My heart still constricts when I see you. And it has been almost 5 weeks.
This isn't fair, you know?

of cousins

When I was just a wee little girl, I tumbled about with my younger male cousins because the other cousins were much older than me and they talked about their secondary school studies when I was just in kindergarten.
And there wasn't any female cousins after me in the Seet family. I was the youngest female around. So I had no choice but to run up and down stairs and play with lanterns/bugs with the other younger guy cousins which all came out into the world one after another, or as I like to call them "a litter". lols.
I wore dresses at that time. My favourite one was this green and blue checked dress and what made this dress so very special was this heart-shaped cloth sling bag that came with it. It always made me feel so grown up and feminine with that little bag of mine.
But even when I was wearing that green-blue dress, the boys never failed to lure me out from my demure sitting position with the grownups and in no time, we were playing that game with the mother hen and her little chicks and the big bad eagle. I was very much a tomboy with them.
And the guys used to call me 'jie' and they still do. But now I look up into their grownup faces when they call me. They've all gone tall and reedy and solid and are decent boys.

And like today when I saw all 5 of them again, I can't help but be a bit astounded, a bit curious, a bit shy, a bit proud and a whole lot of nolstalgic.



I've put on my grown up high-heeled shoes but it all came rushing back with a roar and the sudden clutch of the heartstrings. And I'm falling overboard.


I'm leaving on a jetplane soon, in less than 24 hours.
Current thoughts at almost 1am:
It'll be a whole lot of different. A good kinda different, I'm sure.
It'll take a lotta adjusting.
Time with family and convos with friends (rediscovering past friendships and schticking to present ones) definitely helped. Together with bouts of replayed songs, mugs of green tea and reams of words.
When I'm good and ready, I'm gonna tear off the damn drapes and it'll be a sunshiny day.

*I'm walking on sunshine*

of yonder days

I think it's a case of nolstalgia and wanting to relive the good 'ole days.
I find myself increasingly reaching for photo albums of yonder days and wanting to hear stories.
And from there, you find little gems of anecdotes that are painfully old yet totally cool.
Like today, when godmum unearth her wedding album and I saw the retro cool bellbottoms my godpa wore and how she had a centre parting and curls down the side.
And how much I resemble her, down to the nonexistent cheekbones and chubby cheeks of the Seet family.
And how we must have been fated to be godmum and goddaughter, based on our tanned and slighly Malay complexions.

Like the antique English wedding card my dad gave her on her wedding day, still in its white box slightly water-damaged and that double "Xi'" word on it.

Like the 4 absolutely beautiful lace butterfly brooches from Brussels that my dad bought for her at least 30 years agoon his backpacking trip around Europe.

Like the many letters my dad wrote her during his stay in England and that special commemorative Prince Charles and Princess Diana stamp still affixed to one of the envelope.

Like the black-and-white photograph of grandfather in his first sundry shop which I am hoping and praying that I will inherit one day. That photo literally took my breath away. It was that poignant.

Like the portraits of grandfather and grandmother when they were young. And boy, was grandpa a good-lookin' man! lols. Qiang absolutely inherited grandpa's bushy and thick black eyebrows.

It's possibly some Chinese/Asian thing to want to see/know your roots.
And right now, I'm enjoying the ride back to the past.

10 quickies

a tad sleepy from the flight home, but slightly cheered by the awesomeness that is that Bollywood flick, Wanted.
so 10 quick insights before I forget them:

1. India is full, full, full, full, full, full, full of people. Chock full of those 2-legged beings. Almost, almost, almost like a scary scene where cockroaches were crawling on every available surface.

2. If you can drive in India and survive with a slightly-dented car, you can drive anywhere.

3. Taj Mahal was wow. Period.

4. Apparently, according to my dad's and bro's amazing albeit slightly skewed observations, half the population in India is fairer than me. Much fairer. And these fairer Indians are supposedly from South India. Go figure, Mel.

5. 98% of Indians out in streets, markets, public places are males. I have yet to see a handful of Indian females.

6. Due to fact 5, Indian guys have the propensity to stare UNBLINKINGLY, UNFLINCHINGLY, UNABASHEDLY at females. Especially non-Indian ones. Especially clad-in-jeans-and-tees ones. Especially Chinese ones. Which totally creeped me out.

7. The socioeconomic disparity in the Indian society is crazily huge. Like a deep, bottomless, uncrossable chasm.

8. Due to fact 7, it is understandable that it was a pretty much materialistic society. Money is everything.

9. Indian food=total awesomeness.

10. India is severely polluted. It seemed almost unapologetic to me when rubbish was thrown out of car windows. And that really sucks.

Dear Sandra,

I'll be heading down to India in a small budget airplane with the family to spend an unconventional CNY in less than 24 hours.
And dad claims that I'll probably be able to find my long-lost ancestor among the Indians. yeah, right. whatever. lols.
And I won't get Internet access in middle of India on the day of the 1st month. So, I just wanted to mark this post in my virtual journal of sorts for you, babe.

It hasn't been that long, right? Coz I still can see your face, your features as clear as day in my mind. I wonder whether it will fade over time, whether it will become a chunk of skin-cloured blob by the time I turn 30. I sure hope not. I know moving on doesn't mean letting go, right? Moving on just means to me, getting on with life with less consuming sadness, more acceptance but not forgetting completely.
I think I've done all the things that is supposed to help you move on.
I've talked to friends and family.
I've remembered all the times we had and put them in more concrete form.
I've read all the lovely messages that your loved ones have left you.
I've read your blog.
I've taken time off to properly grieve for you.
I've said good bye in my own way, even though I couldn't go to your funeral.
I've talked to you in my mind.
And I'll go say goodbye to you properly at your grave, in a few months time.
And I'll learn to say the D word eventually.

I can never say this enough.
I wished you were still here. And I miss you.

Dear Sandra,

I had the awesomest, most satisfying dinner in months. No doubt it was home-cooked, but it was yummylicious to the max.
Slow-cooked lotus root soup, steamed fish, stir-fried leeks and pork-stuffed fish maw.
Quintessential CNY reunion dinner, no?
You know how much I enjoy being in Melbourne and the fab food scene they have there but nothing beats mum's home-cooked food at our round marble dinner table at home.
And I thought about you then and how you would have loved to celebrate just one more CNY with your family. I guess, I would never ever really get over you going away so soon. I still can't really bring myself to write the D word yet. I can't even say the D word. Whenever I talk about you, I just say "you're gone too soon". I think it makes it sound like you're going away for a while but you'll be back, like some kinda holiday, ey? But, I will eventually get it though my thick head, I promise. Hopefully, in June, when I go and see you properly, I will be able to reconcile with that fact.

I mean, I kinda need to get with this whole passing on thing, seeing as I will probably be dealing with it on a daily basis fairly soon. And the whole week after mum called me was hell for me. I don't think I dealed with it quite as well as I thought I could have done. I honestly thought that maybe I wasn't really cut out for this whole doctor thing. But I think you were right there with me the whole time, I just was grieving too much to notice you. And mum said that I took a hard hit just because we were close and this would just be another thing I could learn from. So, you're my teacher now, Sandra. Should I bring you a shiny red apple when I visit you in June? lols.

I know I'll have a great CNY break this year and you'll be in my mind the whole time, having fun with me.

of godparents and soundbites

some cute little sound bites from tonight's dinner:

*Godmum: "Hey, I noticed that you love coming home to Malaysia arh."

*Godfather (lols, sounds like the mafia Godfather la): "If we go out together like this, people would think we're not Chinese la."

*Godmum: "Ey, your mum looks like one of those Arabian ladies. Those rich ones. Only those richer Arabs have lighter skin, you know."

*Godfather: "I'm not getting any younger, you know? So I think you better get married around 26 or 28. I don't want to be that old until when I give you an angpau for your wedding, my hands are shaking."


My godparents are the cutest people.
And they love me to bits. All my fluffy, wobbly bits.
And it's totally ditto for me.

Dear Sandra,

I wanted to go and say my last goodbye personally, not only because you deserve it, but also because it would be some kinda closure for me. It'll be like the last word on that particular chapter, even though I would still think of you so very often and sometimes at night, I would lay awake in my bed and your face would come unbidden in my mind and I would miss you so much that it would take sometime for me to fall asleep.
I did say goodbye to you in my own way on the day of your funeral, but I still need to be in the same space as you, to stand in front of you and say all those things that I want to say, and to look at your face.
But it seems that circumstances are preventing me to do so. All I can say is I'm sorry and I would be there as soon as I can. I promise.
And your dad is doing much better now. I think you know that, ey? You must be watching them from above. I would like to think you're a guardian angel of sorts for them. You must be.
And it's going to be the one month milestone soon. The first day of CNY and Valentine's Day and your passing all rolled into one. I think I'm getting better at handling it. Friends and family are making it easier for me to do so, to miss and mourn you in my own way. But I still think you're gone too soon. All the brightest stars of this world always were taken away too early from us, don't you think?

Thanks for making me somewhat stronger and somewhat more resilient. I can't say that I would grieve better next time around, but thanks for showing me what to do, what to say, what to think.

Until the time I am able to say goodbye to you properly, I miss you, Sandra Wong.

of Ricky Gervais and bibimbap

Ricky Gervais' GhostTown totally saved the flight for me.
He was total awesomeness.
I had to muffle my giggles from the lady seated next to me who kept shooting my screen curious glances. Then, when I plugged in my Zen for some attempted light snoozing hours later, I saw her giggling her way through Ghost Town. lols.
Note to self: Must get the DVD of the Invention of Lying later.
Ricky Gervais is the god of Brit humour.

and mum and dad are absolute sweethearts.
I'm not only a daddy's girl, but a mummy's girl too.
I think I really needed this, I would like to think, much-deserved break, thanks to work and so-drama-mamma reasons that shall be unnamed.
and I realised that the older I get, the smaller my circle of friends become.
which I adamantly think is a good thing.
I no longer need to spend/waste so much energy and time into maintaining relationships that are way too much work and go oh-so-undeserved.
I now have my own Circle of Trust (cue Meet the Parents music), which I can rely on for anything anywhere.
and I have a new nickname for my little (yes, I still call him little, despite his gargantuan size) brother, along with a whole list of ever-changing and ever-expanding list of nicknames.
from now on, I will call him Bibimbap, after that yummy Korean rice dish.
Bibimbap somehow conveys a... big, rollin', hunka of blob. lols. which my sweet little brother totally is.



and this is on replay now:
Hey I´ll move out of the way for you
Hey I´ll move out of the way for her too
I never thought we'd end up here in seperate cages.
It doesn´t go like this
You left out some pages
-- ironic that this was playing. Thank you, IngridM. You are a total godsent. --
*and can you please kindly get out of the circle, thank you very much?*

I desire, yes, desire pretty, bound, old-fashioned books of poetry by John Keats.
It must be the doing of Bright Star which I thought was great.

This song is on replay now!!
In these eyes
More than words
More than anything that I had spoken
As the skies turn to grey
My heart just about to crack open
So the story goes
There's something you should know
Before I walk away and blow the ending.

It's been a lazy lazy lazy day.
and I'm currenly hooked on Ingrid Michealson and her lovely voice and am also rediscovering Corrine Bailey Rae and her awesome sophomore album.
and two R&B songs are on replay right now. Whatcha Say by Jason Derulo and I Remember by Keyshia Cole.

Shall try to rev myself up for a revise of my lit review. Grrr....

On a random note, I need a black racerback tee and a blue one and a red one and a yellow one. lols.

and omg, can I say Adam Lambert is H-O-T in his 'For Your Entertainment' vid?! The way that guy smirks and pulls you in with his kohl-rimmed eyes and his crooked finger clad in that metal handpiece thingy of his is absolutely stunning. Makes you wanna pant and fan yourself. lols. Albeit him batting for the other team, his performance got me all flustered.

I'm feeling a tad pleased with myself today.
I'm done with time 2 OFC data counts. so that's like half my project finished.
and fingers crossed, time 1 OFC data will be on like wildfire by tomorrow noontime, just in time for a celebratory lunch with my finally-arrived AMS partner.
and plenty of time left for me to polish up my lit review before I fly home for CNY.

aren't I efficient?! lols.

and holy schmoly, aren't we a little awkward today ey? bleh.
probably due to the fact that we had not much to begin with huh?
better now than 10 years down the road, I say.

I've been thinking that maybe, just maybe the numerous NGOs around should probably join forces and somehow, make a few big umbrella groups.
I mean, wouldn't this ensure that funds don't get misappropriated that easily and cut down on overhead costs like aid transportation, mundane admin day-to-day requirements?
Also, I would think that it'll probably garner more attention from the masses, resulting in more donations, awareness?
Because seriously, people, I think we have waaaay too many NGOs dedicated to the exact same cause, just with different funkier names and different founders.
It somehow makes things a tad complicated.

Dear Sandra,

I watched The Lovely Bones the second time today.
And it was beautiful as usual.
I'm still thinking of you, babe. No one could ever forget you once you graced their lives.
I miss you the same. But it's less all-consuming right now. Much less.
So I guess, it means that I'm in the stage of acceptance, yes?

It's been almost 2 weeks now.
How have you been?

xoxo

Dear Sandra,

I watched The Lovely Bones yesterday.
And it was a beautiful movie about life and life after death.
And Susie reminded me of you. The same infectious quality, the same buoyancy about everything, and the generous amount of love you lavished on your loved ones.

The book was like chicken soup for the grieving soul.
And the movie was a poignant albeit watered down version of the soup, I guess. lols.
It's hard to let go of the blame and anger at that idiotic, irresponsible driver. I wished so much that he had at least some concussion or bruises or just plain bleeding somewhere. I don't care where, just somewhere.
But I'm getting it a little now. 'It' being to accept the unfair reality of it and lay no blame on others.
Books and movies and advice columns tell us all about acceptance and forgiveness and the whole feel-good nine-yard thing. But they don't say how sometimes people hurt so much or how guilty they feel when they haven't talked to that person in ages so that they just need to heap blame and responsibility on others.
But I'm slowly past the stage of anger now and I'm accepting it. Thanks for that little push in the right direction, babe.
I still miss you. But I'm getting better at it. I don't feel choked when something reminds me of you anymore. You're the first close friend I've had that was gone too soon, you know? So please be patient with me getting used to the fact that I won't see you again.
Until then, see you around.

p.s. Did you see the guy who played Raj in the movie and all that sweet little scenes between Susie and Raj? He's cute, isn't he? I wonder whether you had someone like that in your life. You know what? I think you did because who could resist your sweetness and enthusiasm and joy? I should've asked about that, ey? lols.

p.s.s. And you know, I'm thinking that driver probably has to live with the guilt his whole life. So I'm guessing that's enough punishment, yes?

Dear Sandra,

I think I felt you last night.
It's helping me move on a little bit.
Thanks, babe.
I still miss you.

Dear Sandra

Dear Sandra,

I am still at the stage of denial.
I can still see your face clearly in mind, always in motion.
And that makes it harder for me to reconcile with the truth.
And not being able to say goodbye to you, not being able to see your face one last time, somehow makes it seem like a dream. One minute, I was looking at brain scans, and the next minute, the call came and...
Like I said, I am still at the stage of denial.

So this hopefully will make it somewhat easier.
I miss you, Sandra.
I wished we had laughed more, talked more, learnt more about each other.
Our dads being best friends until now since childhood, probably was the pulling point for us all being friends.
And I wished we could have continued the tradition of our dads being best friends.
And now I regret that our kids would never had the chance of being 3rd generation best friends.

Granted we didn't talk much, but when we all flocked together with our dads in toll, it was wonderfully perfect.
Like one big happy family.
You were always clamouring for me to tell you more stories about med school. You used to recoil in horror at my dissection room stories and how the cadevers smelt like 'lap cheong' and you claimed never to be able to eat that ever again. But the next minute, you would smiled sweetly at me and demanded more stories from the medical world. It never failed to amuse me.
And remember how you made fun of the two quiet boys in the corner during the reunion in JB? Yes, you did make fun of them. You kept denying it, giggling to yourself. But we all knew. And we all had fun. Especially Amanda who sure was your accomplice at the time. You girls took the mickey out of those guys.
And remember how you had to split the veggie stems and leaves and you claimed never to be able to like eating the stems and how you exchanged them for leaves with Uncle Chee Keong's son who said he like the stems? I personally think you were one smart cookie and got the better end of the... stick/deal.
And back when we were little tots, I remembered thinking to myself, 'poor uncle Jimmy, gotta put up with 3 daughters.' and me being determined to be a good little girl and sit in one corner of the hotel room, when I first met you and Clara and Laura. But, the next minute, I was up running about, helping you chase after the girls. You were that infectious.

I know you just turned 21 in November.
and I know you were one year away from your university graduation.
and I know you were everything to your sisters and your parents.
and I know that our small group would never be the same without you.

I want you back. Your bubbly, cheerful self.
and I'm angry at you being gone too soon.
Because I miss you. We all do.
We love you, Sandra.
and we love the fact that you were selfless enough to be an organ donor. You have inspired me.
I was lucky enough to be able to know you, to keep up with your constant enthusiasm, to laugh at your jokes, to share with you stories.

Thanks for the memories, babe. You were and still are one heck of a girl.

Sandra Wong (11/22/1988-14/1/2010)

of fluffy and wobbly bits

apartment is a little quieter now. without the brother around.
and the groceries bill is totally cut in half.
and I didn't even buy any junk food. yay me!!
conclusion: my brother is a money-gobbling machine. lols.
but I still love him to bits. all his fluffy, wobbly bits.

and I decided I shall not have any fluffy, wobbly bits too.
so there!

so I guess this is the dimension in the string theory that you guys belong together.

I have got my resolutions down pat for the year.
and I'm not telling. lols.

of vollies

congratulate me. quick.
I am now officially a Lort Smith animal shelter volunteer.
complete with keycard and a vollie polo tee.
and waggy-tailed, wet-nosed dogs.
the kittens, I'm not that gaga over.
but the dogs...! *sigh*

and the Fringe festival is awesomeness.
got to see cool acts for free (!!), meet cool people.
and I so got the professional-box-office vibe going on. people were coming up to me for shows and tickets and whatnot. it's a total ego boost! lols.

and did I mention I'm still into 80s music?!

of fun and semi-gap years

I'm having way too much fun nowadays that it's almost, almost illegal...
but I figured that I'll only get this one miserable year relatively free so I'll treat it as a "semi-gap" year.

people travel to Brazil and Africa and whatnot for their true-blue gap year.
and I travel... quite a bit. relatively speaking. I mean, just in zone 1 of Victoria, where my monthly ticket is put to good use. so, it's as far as I can get, without buying another Metlink zone 2 ticket, you know.

fun things I have done to date:
- a glorious week with the parentals aka self-declared-week-off from work! 'nuff said.

- long conversations with the parentals, across the oceans and lands.

-beaching on the couch with the little brother, without worrying too much about work.

- catching up with Sha and Janice: birthdays, shopping trips (more of window shopping for me, as I was the official bag-carrier for the girls... I'm telling you, I carry shopping bags really, really well. it's almost an art to perfection!), dinners, the works.

- having fun at AMS with another set of girls (thankfully, my AMS unit is awesome!)

- catching up with the med girls: dinners, facebook sessions, birthdays (I seem to hangout way too much with just girls, yes?) and of course, with the boys too!!

- volunteering!! right now, I'm doing my stint at the Melbourne Fringe Festival with tons of really cool, out-of-this-world acts and talented performers. I feel so artsy-fartsy! and hopefully, I get the stint at the Lort Smith shelter too!

- current obsession: 80s music (one thing about me is I HAVE PHASES. I was named after the moon in my chinese name, so I have the right, nay, the privilege to change constantly, waxing and waning and everything.) anyways, how can one not jump up and dance to 80s anthems eg Cyndi Lauper, MJ, Queen, David Bowie, Prince (screams!!), Eurythmics??!! it's almost unforgiveable to not bop your head to the beats just a little....

- and my cousin sister aka godsister just got married. and I'm having fun stalking her on Facebook to see all her pretty wedding pictures and anticipating the wedding dinner, albeit from one continent away....

- and on a more trivial note, my cooked dinners at home seem to go pretty well. oxtail soups, osso bucco, lemongrass pork, etc. I'm like... a gourmand. Heh!

- and I'm having a reunion with the primary 6 classmates here in Melbourne this weekend! yes, we manage to keep track of each other all these years. it's almost an incredible feat. but considering Facebook and the stalker function, it's almost too easy!

- and finally, the weather is slightly warmer... and since I thrive on sunlight, my disposition is somwhat, cheerier...

of picnics and oxtails

PMS-ing Melbourne weather is totally harshing my springtime mellow!
sheets of rain and gusty winds are not really great company for market-shopping and prety spring frocks.

but I had a great day at Vic Mart, despite my hole-y sweater and the wind blowing through it. (screw my 5-bucks-op-shop-retro-white-knit-sweater! lols. but i totally *heart* it)
and that is due to the fact that I found this awesomely cool stall at the meat section that sells all the unwanted parts of the goat and cow and pig.
seriously. I'm talking about goat brains, cow kidneys, ox tongue. the works.
no, I'm not a gourmand that knows how to cook all the different parts.
but heck, I managed to get my oxtails after hunting for ages! and that, I'm happy about.
and I was so tempted to get the goat brains, after seeing that episode on Masterchef that dealt with the brains and one of the judges described them as creamy and absolutely sinful!
*thinks hard* maybe I'll get them after I hunt up a few recipes! lols.

and I'm having a great few days, retail-therapy-wise. *winks*

and on a separate note, I so want to organise a picnic...
I wanna get a wicker picnic basket and red checked picnic cloth and a glass bottle full of sparkling lemonade and little finger sandwiches and chocolate fingers and a big blue kite.
too bad the weather is throwing a tantrum right now.

I have tons and tons of readings to do. both academic and... well, non-academic.
and it has been the most wonderful weather to curl up and read in an armchair/beanbag/lumpy bed. gloomy skies with periods of rain are meant for people to stay indoors.
just need a cup of chai latte and i'm all set.
I'm recently addicted to chai latte. that satiny finish of cream and spicy notes of cinnamon are absolutely sinful.

***

the parentals have left and it's been quieter, as expected.
finally, dad has seen the new apartment and I would like to think he loved it. lols.
after all, he is sponsoring it!
it's been a hectic, hectic, hectic one week when they were here.

chiong-ing my lit review draft right now.
but oh my oh my oh my, I keep getting distracted by images of KokoBlack's yummylicious choc mousse and homemade banana bread.
why a random banana bread?
because I came across this awesome-looking banana bread picture online and it's making me crave for banana bread.
and now, I can't stop thinking about Aunt Linda's helluva banana bread that was and still is the most heavenly thing I've ever tasted.

I shall go have me a banana now.

of childhoods and blame

2 months solid of AMS-ing.
at Orygen Youth Health.
untangling the mysteries of human psyche.
but even if (heaven forbid!!) I don't completely remember what I've been slaving over this whole year, there's one thing that I will take away with me.

I'm totally grateful for the wonderful childhood and loving family that I've been given.

encountering the teen clients at the centre, listening to them regaling tales of their chilhood.
no tales of rainbows and Barbies and cupcakes and imaginary games.
their not-so-pleasant childhood experiences were and are what defined them, and made them the way they are right now.
sure, in the beginning, I admit I, the ignorant fool that I was, placed blame upon them. I blamed them for not taking responsibilty for their lives, for letting their lives spiral down to such a destructive stage, for not being able to finish school and hold down jobs, for having so much chaos in their lives.
but, as time went on, I realised why there are so many NGOs dedicated to protecting children's rights.
children are pliable. yes, they are resilient. but they are vulnerable too.
it's always a fine balance between resilience and vulnerability.
and it's partly up to caretakers to comprehend that.

the things that the clients had to go through were... horrified, to say the least.
the mental and physical agony that they had to go through at the hands of their so-called support network is indescribable. it's something that I would never wish upon my worst enemy.
and on top of all that, I feel anger.
I'm angry at parents who bring their children into this world, without giving a second thought to a child's needs of security and stability. I'm angry at the non-existence of love and gentle words, of advice and guidance. I'm angry at them, bringing their alcohol- and drug-fueled presence into the household. I'm angry at them, spewing foul words no child should never ever hear. I'm angry at them for not protecting their children from sexual, physical and emotional abuse.
dammit, these parents do not deserve their children.


I'm just glad that I had an awesome childhood, full of sunshine, TV-boxes-turned-spaceship make-believe games, sweets, art classes, laughter and most importantly, love.
so thanks, dad and mum.
I had fun.