These two nights, I've been hanging out with the girls.
and they were awesome nights.
it goes to show that every girl needs a girls night out every once in a while.

the sweetest little message came through Facebook today.
bibimbap's voice over the phone, with the comforting background noise of mum and dad's voices today.
the nicest MSN chat today.

Mika's on replay now.
totally perks up my day when I wriggle around to it in the apartment while making breakky.

of skies

I always did notice the skies in Melbourne are really blue.
But today the skies seemed exceptionally blue when I was walking back.
And there were little puffy scrunchy petal-ly clouds.
And I saw this little helicopter in the distance.
And all at once, I wished I was right on that very helicopter, because how awesome would the city view be in this cloudness spring sky.

Even Malaysian skies are blue too. Just a different sort of blue.
A more yellowy, warm, smoggy kinda blue.
Whereas Melbourne's blue is more cool, sophisticated, clean.

And that makes me think of Indian skies.
They weren't really blue at all.
It was more of a dusty blueish grey colour. More of a smogish (that's my invented term for smog+fog+rubbish) blue.

And I kinda think how the skies reflect the people living in that city, or is it the other way around?
Melbournians seemed always too cool for the sunlight, especially those white-collar individuals walking around briskly on Collins St in their swishy overcoats. And how a portion of them are really artistes in disguise, like those puffy little clouds.
Malaysians seemed abit louder in dressing, manner etc. Put good food on a table, gather family around, and let the merrymaking commence. Sure, we might not be as sophisticated as our Western counterparts, we might be a bit crude/coarse/undereducated. But whatever we do, we do it loud and proud and as best as we can. It's what we call Asian pride and family honour. lols.
Indians seemed abit world weary to me. They've seen everything that life has thrown at them, thus they have to make the best that life has to offer, at sometimes a great cost. But then after a rainfall, you get this little peek of cornflower blue before the smogish covers it up again.



And when I was looking up today, your face floated into my mind, Sandra.
My heart still constricts when I see you. And it has been almost 5 weeks.
This isn't fair, you know?

of cousins

When I was just a wee little girl, I tumbled about with my younger male cousins because the other cousins were much older than me and they talked about their secondary school studies when I was just in kindergarten.
And there wasn't any female cousins after me in the Seet family. I was the youngest female around. So I had no choice but to run up and down stairs and play with lanterns/bugs with the other younger guy cousins which all came out into the world one after another, or as I like to call them "a litter". lols.
I wore dresses at that time. My favourite one was this green and blue checked dress and what made this dress so very special was this heart-shaped cloth sling bag that came with it. It always made me feel so grown up and feminine with that little bag of mine.
But even when I was wearing that green-blue dress, the boys never failed to lure me out from my demure sitting position with the grownups and in no time, we were playing that game with the mother hen and her little chicks and the big bad eagle. I was very much a tomboy with them.
And the guys used to call me 'jie' and they still do. But now I look up into their grownup faces when they call me. They've all gone tall and reedy and solid and are decent boys.

And like today when I saw all 5 of them again, I can't help but be a bit astounded, a bit curious, a bit shy, a bit proud and a whole lot of nolstalgic.



I've put on my grown up high-heeled shoes but it all came rushing back with a roar and the sudden clutch of the heartstrings. And I'm falling overboard.


I'm leaving on a jetplane soon, in less than 24 hours.
Current thoughts at almost 1am:
It'll be a whole lot of different. A good kinda different, I'm sure.
It'll take a lotta adjusting.
Time with family and convos with friends (rediscovering past friendships and schticking to present ones) definitely helped. Together with bouts of replayed songs, mugs of green tea and reams of words.
When I'm good and ready, I'm gonna tear off the damn drapes and it'll be a sunshiny day.

*I'm walking on sunshine*

of yonder days

I think it's a case of nolstalgia and wanting to relive the good 'ole days.
I find myself increasingly reaching for photo albums of yonder days and wanting to hear stories.
And from there, you find little gems of anecdotes that are painfully old yet totally cool.
Like today, when godmum unearth her wedding album and I saw the retro cool bellbottoms my godpa wore and how she had a centre parting and curls down the side.
And how much I resemble her, down to the nonexistent cheekbones and chubby cheeks of the Seet family.
And how we must have been fated to be godmum and goddaughter, based on our tanned and slighly Malay complexions.

Like the antique English wedding card my dad gave her on her wedding day, still in its white box slightly water-damaged and that double "Xi'" word on it.

Like the 4 absolutely beautiful lace butterfly brooches from Brussels that my dad bought for her at least 30 years agoon his backpacking trip around Europe.

Like the many letters my dad wrote her during his stay in England and that special commemorative Prince Charles and Princess Diana stamp still affixed to one of the envelope.

Like the black-and-white photograph of grandfather in his first sundry shop which I am hoping and praying that I will inherit one day. That photo literally took my breath away. It was that poignant.

Like the portraits of grandfather and grandmother when they were young. And boy, was grandpa a good-lookin' man! lols. Qiang absolutely inherited grandpa's bushy and thick black eyebrows.

It's possibly some Chinese/Asian thing to want to see/know your roots.
And right now, I'm enjoying the ride back to the past.

10 quickies

a tad sleepy from the flight home, but slightly cheered by the awesomeness that is that Bollywood flick, Wanted.
so 10 quick insights before I forget them:

1. India is full, full, full, full, full, full, full of people. Chock full of those 2-legged beings. Almost, almost, almost like a scary scene where cockroaches were crawling on every available surface.

2. If you can drive in India and survive with a slightly-dented car, you can drive anywhere.

3. Taj Mahal was wow. Period.

4. Apparently, according to my dad's and bro's amazing albeit slightly skewed observations, half the population in India is fairer than me. Much fairer. And these fairer Indians are supposedly from South India. Go figure, Mel.

5. 98% of Indians out in streets, markets, public places are males. I have yet to see a handful of Indian females.

6. Due to fact 5, Indian guys have the propensity to stare UNBLINKINGLY, UNFLINCHINGLY, UNABASHEDLY at females. Especially non-Indian ones. Especially clad-in-jeans-and-tees ones. Especially Chinese ones. Which totally creeped me out.

7. The socioeconomic disparity in the Indian society is crazily huge. Like a deep, bottomless, uncrossable chasm.

8. Due to fact 7, it is understandable that it was a pretty much materialistic society. Money is everything.

9. Indian food=total awesomeness.

10. India is severely polluted. It seemed almost unapologetic to me when rubbish was thrown out of car windows. And that really sucks.

Dear Sandra,

I'll be heading down to India in a small budget airplane with the family to spend an unconventional CNY in less than 24 hours.
And dad claims that I'll probably be able to find my long-lost ancestor among the Indians. yeah, right. whatever. lols.
And I won't get Internet access in middle of India on the day of the 1st month. So, I just wanted to mark this post in my virtual journal of sorts for you, babe.

It hasn't been that long, right? Coz I still can see your face, your features as clear as day in my mind. I wonder whether it will fade over time, whether it will become a chunk of skin-cloured blob by the time I turn 30. I sure hope not. I know moving on doesn't mean letting go, right? Moving on just means to me, getting on with life with less consuming sadness, more acceptance but not forgetting completely.
I think I've done all the things that is supposed to help you move on.
I've talked to friends and family.
I've remembered all the times we had and put them in more concrete form.
I've read all the lovely messages that your loved ones have left you.
I've read your blog.
I've taken time off to properly grieve for you.
I've said good bye in my own way, even though I couldn't go to your funeral.
I've talked to you in my mind.
And I'll go say goodbye to you properly at your grave, in a few months time.
And I'll learn to say the D word eventually.

I can never say this enough.
I wished you were still here. And I miss you.

Dear Sandra,

I had the awesomest, most satisfying dinner in months. No doubt it was home-cooked, but it was yummylicious to the max.
Slow-cooked lotus root soup, steamed fish, stir-fried leeks and pork-stuffed fish maw.
Quintessential CNY reunion dinner, no?
You know how much I enjoy being in Melbourne and the fab food scene they have there but nothing beats mum's home-cooked food at our round marble dinner table at home.
And I thought about you then and how you would have loved to celebrate just one more CNY with your family. I guess, I would never ever really get over you going away so soon. I still can't really bring myself to write the D word yet. I can't even say the D word. Whenever I talk about you, I just say "you're gone too soon". I think it makes it sound like you're going away for a while but you'll be back, like some kinda holiday, ey? But, I will eventually get it though my thick head, I promise. Hopefully, in June, when I go and see you properly, I will be able to reconcile with that fact.

I mean, I kinda need to get with this whole passing on thing, seeing as I will probably be dealing with it on a daily basis fairly soon. And the whole week after mum called me was hell for me. I don't think I dealed with it quite as well as I thought I could have done. I honestly thought that maybe I wasn't really cut out for this whole doctor thing. But I think you were right there with me the whole time, I just was grieving too much to notice you. And mum said that I took a hard hit just because we were close and this would just be another thing I could learn from. So, you're my teacher now, Sandra. Should I bring you a shiny red apple when I visit you in June? lols.

I know I'll have a great CNY break this year and you'll be in my mind the whole time, having fun with me.

of godparents and soundbites

some cute little sound bites from tonight's dinner:

*Godmum: "Hey, I noticed that you love coming home to Malaysia arh."

*Godfather (lols, sounds like the mafia Godfather la): "If we go out together like this, people would think we're not Chinese la."

*Godmum: "Ey, your mum looks like one of those Arabian ladies. Those rich ones. Only those richer Arabs have lighter skin, you know."

*Godfather: "I'm not getting any younger, you know? So I think you better get married around 26 or 28. I don't want to be that old until when I give you an angpau for your wedding, my hands are shaking."


My godparents are the cutest people.
And they love me to bits. All my fluffy, wobbly bits.
And it's totally ditto for me.

Dear Sandra,

I wanted to go and say my last goodbye personally, not only because you deserve it, but also because it would be some kinda closure for me. It'll be like the last word on that particular chapter, even though I would still think of you so very often and sometimes at night, I would lay awake in my bed and your face would come unbidden in my mind and I would miss you so much that it would take sometime for me to fall asleep.
I did say goodbye to you in my own way on the day of your funeral, but I still need to be in the same space as you, to stand in front of you and say all those things that I want to say, and to look at your face.
But it seems that circumstances are preventing me to do so. All I can say is I'm sorry and I would be there as soon as I can. I promise.
And your dad is doing much better now. I think you know that, ey? You must be watching them from above. I would like to think you're a guardian angel of sorts for them. You must be.
And it's going to be the one month milestone soon. The first day of CNY and Valentine's Day and your passing all rolled into one. I think I'm getting better at handling it. Friends and family are making it easier for me to do so, to miss and mourn you in my own way. But I still think you're gone too soon. All the brightest stars of this world always were taken away too early from us, don't you think?

Thanks for making me somewhat stronger and somewhat more resilient. I can't say that I would grieve better next time around, but thanks for showing me what to do, what to say, what to think.

Until the time I am able to say goodbye to you properly, I miss you, Sandra Wong.

of Ricky Gervais and bibimbap

Ricky Gervais' GhostTown totally saved the flight for me.
He was total awesomeness.
I had to muffle my giggles from the lady seated next to me who kept shooting my screen curious glances. Then, when I plugged in my Zen for some attempted light snoozing hours later, I saw her giggling her way through Ghost Town. lols.
Note to self: Must get the DVD of the Invention of Lying later.
Ricky Gervais is the god of Brit humour.

and mum and dad are absolute sweethearts.
I'm not only a daddy's girl, but a mummy's girl too.
I think I really needed this, I would like to think, much-deserved break, thanks to work and so-drama-mamma reasons that shall be unnamed.
and I realised that the older I get, the smaller my circle of friends become.
which I adamantly think is a good thing.
I no longer need to spend/waste so much energy and time into maintaining relationships that are way too much work and go oh-so-undeserved.
I now have my own Circle of Trust (cue Meet the Parents music), which I can rely on for anything anywhere.
and I have a new nickname for my little (yes, I still call him little, despite his gargantuan size) brother, along with a whole list of ever-changing and ever-expanding list of nicknames.
from now on, I will call him Bibimbap, after that yummy Korean rice dish.
Bibimbap somehow conveys a... big, rollin', hunka of blob. lols. which my sweet little brother totally is.



and this is on replay now:
Hey I´ll move out of the way for you
Hey I´ll move out of the way for her too
I never thought we'd end up here in seperate cages.
It doesn´t go like this
You left out some pages
-- ironic that this was playing. Thank you, IngridM. You are a total godsent. --
*and can you please kindly get out of the circle, thank you very much?*

I desire, yes, desire pretty, bound, old-fashioned books of poetry by John Keats.
It must be the doing of Bright Star which I thought was great.

This song is on replay now!!
In these eyes
More than words
More than anything that I had spoken
As the skies turn to grey
My heart just about to crack open
So the story goes
There's something you should know
Before I walk away and blow the ending.