Thanks to my irrational tummy, I've been stuck at home bedbound, watching movies and TV episodes and anything that allows a sense of escapism.
And thanks to this Jap movie that I randomly stumbled upon, I had an epiphany.
There are roughly 2 types of people in the world.
One who seeks love.
The other who gives love.
And when I heard that line, I was like 'holy macaroni, is that why I was so drawn towards that oneliner that I had it permanently inked on my right wrist?!'
I kinda had an inkling but never really said it out loud or acknowledged it.

But here goes:
I don't really go seeking/asking for love.
I'm not that type of person.
I'm the other one.
In almost all my relationships, be it romantic or familial or friendly, I've just been the giver.
And even though countless books and shows and real life experiences have warned me that being the giver all the time is going to eventually leave me a dry sad husk of a human. People are just gonna take and take and take, and I'm going to be bitter and disappointed at what is left for me.
Yet, I still do it.
And it's not because I want a heck lot of karma points.
But rather the people I do it for, I care so much about.
And when I see how happy it makes them, it just makes everything worthwhile.
Sometimes, I just wanna curl up, be a shock/sadness/anger-absorbing sponge and melt all those away from the people I love.

But then, sometimes, it does hurt and sting like a bloody jellyfish when everything goes south.
Just that day, I lost my appetite, my heart sank repeatedly a million times, colours around me are muted, and I don't feel my fingers.
And it took all my willpower to maintain a decent conversation.
And all the while, in my head, I'm thinking, 'Serves you right for trying to cheer someone up at your expense, even though it's a closed and shut case.'
But at the end of the night, I didn't regret it one little bit, even though the wound feels raw from being salted over.
I've always been the one who loves.
Who gives steadily.
Who does it deep, hard and true.
And I don't think I'll ever be disillusioned by reality.
I can never be the seeker in a relationship. It's never been the way I am.
I've always been the giver.

YOU LIED.
YOU BLOODY LIED.
'nuff said.

everybody's waiting and watching for the fallout.
so keep your eyes open.
and breathe.
deeply.
steadily.
passionately.

it's been a while since.
since the last post. 
since a long nice chat.
since my atrial flutter.
and nothing much has changed.
and i can't deny that the ink on my wrist is a read-between-the-lines one.
and i can't deny the trigger.
and i can't deny the perpetuating factors
things like
the toffee fruit i had today
the song that comes on
the lines of my fave movie.

i wish i was brave-er.
but i'm not.
i'm proud.
and i care too damn much.

i yearn for G-day.
but i can't make up my mind.
what will i do in the end?