it's been a while.
and it's that time of the year. where job apps go afluttering in cyber space and I pull hair out by the chunks and replace them back in time for the damned interviews.
and it's been a while
but it's back again.
this time, undoing by someone else.
I seem to have this magnet attraction field for undoing of self.
and I clearly excel at it, by not even trying.

and it's worse this time,
because it's clear as crystal where the road leads and I know I'm never ever be in the running.
In fact, I'm running parallel to the path and there is no foliage blocking my view at all, I can see it oh-so-clearly so I know all along what I was getting myself unconsciously and consciously into. But I dove right inside, putting on hold my self and dignity, clutching a little too desperately at every gesture and word. With every touch directed my way, it gives me the strength to run a little faster, jump a little higher at the hurdles that mount. 
and then just at the running step, I stumble or at the height of my perfect jump, my legs give out, at the sight of the console lighting up with news from aboard.
and I find myself running parallel again, the chasm engulfing the gains I fooled myself that I made.
and my pump aches.

and so, I'm going to feign nonchalance, even indifference to the point of looking the other way.
and I'm going to draw slowly back to my self and retain whatever is left of my dignity.
I need to breathe.
I need to run away.

but it's hard.
like I said, I see the browness of the irises only. 
I need to see the wickedness.