Dear Sandra,

In another 2 weeks' time, it'll be 6 months. Half a year. And I always thought I've pretty much kept a lid on the grief and loss issue and I thought I was well past the aching stage. But, when I finally saw you, I'm sure you saw me bawl my eyes out like a baby, like everything happened just yesterday. You would think that after 5 months plus of slowly adjusting to the idea of loss, completing a 10000-word theses and surviving a month in rural Cambodia, I would be able to look at things in perspective and hold myself together and basically not bawl like a baby. But, the moment when I actually stood in front of you and saw your beautiful beautiful beautiful face in all its black-and-white glory, I'm sure you felt me start to tremble.

And then, I saw your epitaph "Joie de vivre - till we meet again". And that was all it took, Sandra. It's been 5 months plus but it really didn't matter, did it? Coz at that instant and also right now, the wound feels as fresh as yesterday. These past months, I often see you in my mind and it gets a little easier to breathe whenever something or someone reminds me of you and my breath doesn't catch in my throat. You know I've cried my share already in Melbourne. And I wanted to come say goodbye to you properly for your sake and mine. And I'm glad I did, even though it hurts every bit as raw as before. Because there are things that just had to be said in person.

And our fathers had the time of their lives that day. They totally regressed back to their childhood days and did crazy stuff like eating 30 durians for dinner and waiting for coconut shakes. And Michelle was there the whole day, with your two adorable sisters. And did you see how tall Clara got nowdays?! She's like some kinda beansprout! She's way taller than me. and the way she eats her rice and dishes separately is totally adorable! And Laura is getting so spunky and cool now with the whole volleyball love affair. You know I'm a klutz when it comes to any ball stuff, so Laura with her spiker role is very admirable to uncoordinated people like me. And Michelle is the same crazy, cheerful, bubbly girl as before. You girls used to tell the craziest stories and go off on wild tangents and I was just happy to tag along and listen and occasionally pull you girls back down to earth. It was just 4 of us girls for the day, and it was good. But at lunch, I unconsciously did a quick lookaround the table, wondering a little belatedly about the absence.

I miss you, Sandra Wong. My nose prickles a little when I see your name. Your blog is still on my blog roll. Your name is still on my MSN contact list. Your mobile number is still in my phone. I still can't say the D word yet. I still think it's unfair that you're gone too soon. You left so indelible a presence that the world feels a little bit emptier without you occupying it physically. But I know you're still around, you're still around your dad and mum and sisters. And I hope sometimes, you'll come see me too.

xoxo